Hell's Kitchen, New York

They're at the end of the bar.

They're always at the end of the bar.

Same stools, same order, same argument they've been having since the Carter administration. In Buffalo they're Frank and Sal. In Milwaukee they're Gary and Doug. In Hell's Kitchen, where these two grew up and never got around to leaving, they're Herb and Lou.

Maybe not Herb and Lou specifically. But you've sat near them. You've laughed at something they said even though it had nothing to do with you and you were actively trying not to get involved.

Two guys. One bar. Thirty-something years of friendship and approximately zero agreements.

Yankees vs. Mets Jets vs. Giants Best pizza in the city Pineapple is not fancy

The Accountant

He thinks he is the wittiest guy in the room.

Herb is an accountant. He went to city college, which he considers wildly underrated, and which he will not bring up at the bar because it embarrasses him. He will, however, tell you about every Broadway musical he has ever attended, because those do not embarrass him at all.

He has opinions. About wine. About architecture. About the correct way to fold a dinner napkin. He shares these opinions whether you ask or not. When you do not ask, he takes your presence as a sign you're particularly interested.

He is a Yankees fan, which he considers a reflection of his character. He is not wrong. He also calls soccer football.

Lou's reaction to this is best described as a full-body eye roll.

He is usually right. But not for the reasons he thinks.

The Pipe Guy

Pipes go in walls. Walls need pipes. Lou sells them. Done.

Lou sells pipe. Has for thirty years. He is not complicated about this.

He has a watch he never takes off. The glass is cracked. It stopped running sometime around 2009 and Lou never wound it back up. He wears it every single day.

"It's right twice a day. That's better than most people. Jesus H Christ."

He is a Mets fan. He has been a Mets fan through everything the Mets have put him through, and if you know anything about the Mets, you understand what kind of person that makes him.

He believes culture is for guys like Herb. He does not say this as an insult. Just a description of how the world is arranged.

He and Herb have been best friends since they were kids. They golf on Saturdays. They close the bar on Fridays. Some things never change, and neither do they.

Now here is where it gets interesting

Behind every great man is a woman who has quietly decided not to say anything.

Herb's wife is Mary. Lou's wife is Jane. If you have ever met Herb and Lou, this requires no further explanation.

Mary

She has heard every one of Herb's culture lessons.

Napkin-folding technique. The architectural significance of 30 Rock's lobby. Mary has heard all of it, more than once.

Jane

She knows every word of the rant.

After a full day of Lou explaining that pipes and wrenches were all the culture a person really needed, Jane found her spot on the couch, legs always crossed like a true lady.

She knew every word before he said it. She could have recited the whole rant.

She didn't have to.

Two smart women. Thirty-plus years. And then, one night, they decided to share something.

The Swap

They didn't make a big announcement. That's not how Mary and Jane do things.

They just quietly started putting different drinks in front of the guys. One night, and then another. They had done their homework. They knew what worked. And they waited.

Here is what they poured.

Real cocktail recipes. 8mg of hemp-derived THC in every can. No Alcohol.

Same stools. Same argument. Same two guys.

Mary and Jane kept quiet and kept pouring.