The Best Business Plan Ever Created

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Herb & Lou's Launches Beverage Line Using The Best Business Plan Ever Created

The plan cost one hundred dollars and food. Ownership describes it as "airtight" and "honestly kind of genius."

Herb & Lou's today announced the launch of its beverage line, powered by what company leadership is calling, repeatedly, and to strangers, "the best business plan ever created, and we've seen the other ones."

The plan, in full: sponsor a comedy show.

That is the plan. Asked about step two, ownership clarified that step two is "owning comedy outright" and that they are "a lot closer than people think."

"You put up a hundred dollars and some food, that makes you the bosses," said Lou, reached on speakerphone in a parking lot, at a volume that has made the business plan available to roughly forty strangers and a dog. "You sponsor the show, you own the show. You own the comedians. You own the room. After that it's just paperwork."

For co-founder Herb, the operation is now a full-time job, one he runs from a barber chair he treats as a corner office and does not leave.

"This is around the clock for us now," Herb said. "The drinks don't launch themselves. I'm here at seven. The comics roll in at nine like it's a hobby. It's not a hobby. It's the most important company in America and I'm running it from the chair."

The company has hired comedy lead Nic Deen to write and perform the material, a decision Herb called "the second best decision after the plan itself."

"Nic's got the talent, we've got the plan," Herb said. "He brings the jokes. We bring the structure, the vision, the leadership, the chair, and the hundred dollars. He doesn't know how good he has it."

The beverage line debuts with four products the company is extremely confident about: Herb's Very Manly Peach Bellini, Lou's Damn Right I'm Old Fashioned, Mary's M Train Double Espresso Martini, and Jane's Fancy Shmancy Pomegranate Cosmopolitan.

"Lead with the Bellini," Herb instructed, unprompted, twice. "First. Every time. No reason. Don't ask. It's in the plan."

Pressed for a full accounting of the hundred dollars, Lou delivered one. "The flyer. The comics. The microphone, which we own now. The ice, which should be free, because ice is weather. The guacamole, which was extra, which we are actively looking into. And the exit sign, which we did not approve and which is openly telling our customers to leave the building."

The comedians have been informed they will be working "for the exposure," which the comedians have not agreed to and were not asked about.

Asked whether they ever consider slowing down, Herb said the operation cannot afford to.

"An empire doesn't take a night off," he said. "Somewhere right now, somebody is not drinking a Bellini. You think I can sleep on that?"

Herb & Lou's beverages are available now. Ownership will be on site, by which they mean on the phone, from a chair, somewhere else entirely.

Herb & Lou's. We sponsored a show. Now it's ours.