Lou's Official Complaint That the Bar Just Charged You for the Bartender's Break
I have the receipt in my hand. I am looking at it right now. And I am here to tell you that somewhere on this tab, folded into a number they hope you are too tired to question, is a charge for a man who was not there. A man who was somewhere in the back. Eating. On my time. On my dollar. While I stood at an empty bar holding a twenty like a tourist at a museum, waiting for someone to acknowledge that I exist and that I would like a THC cocktails, please, if it is not too much trouble, which apparently it is.
That is what happened. That is what they charged me for. And I would like to file a formal complaint with whoever is in charge of this, because nobody appears to be in charge of anything.
The Break. The Legendary, Mythical, Career-Defining Break.
I have been standing at this bar for eleven minutes. I know because I have a watch. The watch stopped in 2009 and it is still more reliable than this bartender. At least my watch shows up.
The bartender's break was, by my estimate, longer than my first marriage. It had chapters. It had an intermission. There may have been a second sandwich. I do not know what he was eating back there, but whatever it was, he took his time with it, he enjoyed it, and I paid for the experience of him enjoying it, because here is the number at the bottom of the tab, and here is a man who was not present for the entire third act of the evening.
And when he came back, you know what he did? He nodded at me. He nodded. Like I was a regular feature of the landscape. Like I had not been standing there since the previous administration. He nodded and then he made a drink for someone who walked in four minutes ago, and I want you to understand that I witnessed this with my own two eyes and I am still processing the injustice of it.
The Tab Is a Work of Fiction and I Am Being Charged for the Plot Holes
Let me walk you through this line by line, because I have done the audit.
There is a service charge. Fine. I believe in service. I am pro-service. I have never once in my life been against service. What I am against is being charged for service that did not occur during the window of time I was standing at an empty bar being ignored by the concept of hospitality.
There is a drink I ordered. Also fine. I drank the drink. The drink was acceptable. Not great. There was a garnish situation I am going to table for now but do not think I forgot about it because I did not.
And then there is this number, right here, that does not correspond to anything I can point to, and when I asked about it, the bartender, the very man who was on sandwich sabbatical while I aged visibly at the rail, told me it was "just how the system works." That is what he said. The system. I would like to meet the system. I would like to have a conversation with the system about what I received in exchange for my participation in it.
What a Real Drink Does Is Wait for You
Here is the thing nobody at that bar wants to tell you: there is a better option, and it does not take a break, it does not eat a sandwich, and it does not nod at you like you are a minor inconvenience in its otherwise full day.
Lou's Damn Right I'm Old Fashioned is sitting in my fridge right now. It was there when I left. It will be there when I get back. It has never once made me stand at a bar holding a twenty while it figured out what it wanted to do with its evening. It is a proper THC cocktail, 8mg, bitters and orange and oak, and it is ready on my schedule, not on the break schedule of someone who I have never met and whose sandwich I apparently sponsored.
That is a THC cocktail that respects your time. That is a concept the bar has not yet discovered.
And While We Are Here, the Garnish
I said I was going to table it and I lied. I cannot table it. There was a sprig of something on the rim of that drink. Something green and aggressive. It was leaning over the glass like it was making a point. I did not ask for a point. I asked for a drink. You do not decorate a classic cocktail like it is a house plant. You do not put things on it. It does not want things on it. The drink is complete. It arrived complete centuries ago. Leave it alone.
If you want something interesting in your glass, might I suggest Mary's M Train Double Espresso Martini, which is bold and rich and does not have a sprig on it, or Jane's Fancy Shmancy Pomegranate Cosmopolitan, which is, I am told, an entrance and not just a drink. Both of them 8mg THC. Neither of them garnished by someone trying to make a statement at your expense.
The Verdict
The verdict is that I should not have gone out. The verdict is that I should have done what I tell everyone to do, which is open the fridge, crack a Lou's Damn Right I'm Old Fashioned, and sit down somewhere that does not charge me for the ambient experience of being ignored by a man who was eating.
It is in the fridge right now, if you want to try the experiment yourself. It costs less than the break. It takes less time than the nod. It has never once made you stand anywhere holding money like an apology.
And it will not put a sprig on it. I promise you that. That is a guarantee. That is the only guarantee this operation needs to make.
Herb is going to tell me I should have been more patient. Herb has never stood at an empty bar in his life because Herb sends his drink order ahead via some kind of system he explained to me once and I stopped listening to. But Herb, if you are reading this, I was patient. I was extremely patient. I was patient for eleven minutes by a watch that has not worked since 2009, and that watch, at least, is right twice a day.
Which is two more times than that bartender was at the bar.
If you are not sure where to start, The Variety Pack has all four cans, all four characters, 8mg THC each, and not one of them will go on break.
Lou's Damn Right I'm Old Fashioned contains 8mg hemp-derived THC per can. For adults 21 and older only. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Please enjoy responsibly and in accordance with the laws of your state.
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