Jane Has Entered the Room (Holding a THC Cosmopolitan, Already Judging You)
I walked in. I looked at the table. And I am going to need everyone to take a breath and look at what they are holding, because some of you made choices tonight that I am not prepared to ignore.
There is a THC cosmopolitan in my hand. It is Jane's Fancy Shmancy Pomegranate Cosmopolitan, 8mg, and it is an entrance. That is not a description. That is a fact. Pinkies up. This is not a discussion.
Now. Let us talk about the rest of you.
What You Are Drinking Instead of a THC Cosmopolitan (A Damage Assessment)
The vodka soda. Oh, the vodka soda. You ordered a puddle with ambition and you are sitting there like you made a decision. You did not make a decision. You made a surrender. You handed a bartender two ingredients that require zero skill to combine and you paid fourteen dollars for the privilege. The lime wedge is not garnish. It is a garnish doing grief counseling on your behalf.
The wine, by the glass, from a list that describes every single option as "approachable." Approachable. Darling, I do not want a drink that is approachable. I want a drink that makes an entrance. An approachable wine is a drink that saw me coming and decided to play it safe. I did not come out tonight to be handled carefully.
The craft beer with the name that is a pun. You know the one. The label has a cartoon animal on it. The bartender called it "super sessionable," which is a word the beer industry invented so you would not notice that nothing is happening. You are not having a night out. You are having a slow Tuesday, slightly hoppier.
The "signature cocktail" from the menu, the one with four modifiers, a smoked rim, and something described as a "mist." A mist. Someone spritzed something at your glass from a perfume bottle and called it mixology. I watched it happen. I said nothing. I am saying something now. That is not a drink. That is a theatrical production that peaked in act one and forgot to have a second act.
And the non-alcoholic option. Which they serve in a rocks glass to make it feel serious. It is juice. It is fancy juice. The rocks glass is doing its best and I respect the effort, but we all know what is happening here and it is not a night out.
What a Pomegranate Cosmo Actually Is (Since Apparently We Need to Cover This)
A cosmopolitan is a woman who has her affairs in order. It is pink, it is precise, it is not asking for your approval, and it has been correct since the day it was invented. The proportions are not up for debate. The color is not a coincidence. The fact that it became a punchline for a while is your problem, not the drink's.
The pomegranate cosmo is the cosmo, improved. Pomegranate is doing what citrus wanted to do but lacked the follow-through for. It is deeper, it lasts longer, and it does not apologize for itself on the way out. It is a drink that knows where it is going before it arrives.
Now. Add 8mg of hemp-derived THC, nano-emulsified so it hits in minutes and not in a surprise forty-five minutes from now when you are already in a cab, and you have Jane's Fancy Shmancy Pomegranate Cosmopolitan. No alcohol. No hangover. No moment tomorrow morning where you reconstruct the evening from your credit card statement and a series of very sincere text messages you sent to people who did not ask.
The edge comes off. The room loosens. You get funnier. Everyone around you gets funnier. That is the formula, and it is not an accident. The terpene blend is built for exactly this: the social version of the night, the one where the conversation goes somewhere and you are present for all of it instead of just the first third.
Pinkies up is non-negotiable. I said what I said.
The Other Cans (I Will Allow Them)
I will say this once. The other options at this company are also correct choices, and I acknowledge them as follows, in order of my personal tolerance for the people who choose them.
Herb's Very Manly Peach Bellini is for people who want bubbles and will not stop telling you about it. It is delightful. Herb is very proud of himself. That is fine. The Bellini earned it.
Lou's Damn Right I'm Old Fashioned is for Lou. Lou knows what it is. You know what it is. There is a conversation to be had about whether Lou knows anything else, but the drink is good and the stubbornness is baked in at the production level.
Mary's M Train Double Espresso Martini is for the person who stopped in the middle of the sidewalk to look at something and then refused to explain what it was. It is bold. It is not for everyone. I respect it completely.
If you cannot decide, the Variety Pack exists and it will sort you out faster than you sorted yourself out tonight with that vodka soda.
It Is in the Fridge
Jane's Fancy Shmancy Pomegranate Cosmopolitan, 8mg, is in the fridge right now. Four-pack. No alcohol. No morning-after math. Just the entrance you deserved to make tonight and did not, because you ordered the approachable wine.
Fix it.
Pinkies up. That part is not optional. That part was never optional. We have been over this.
For adults 21 and older only. Hemp-derived THC. Not available where prohibited. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Please drink responsibly and know the laws in your state.
← Back to all opinions