The THC Espresso Martini Audit: Results Are In, Nobody Passed
I have been conducting an informal audit of the espresso martini situation in this country, and the findings are, frankly, disturbing. I am an accountant. I audit things. I find problems. I present the problems in a clear and organized manner that everyone ignores. This is my life. I have made peace with it. But I will not make peace with what restaurants are doing to the espresso martini, and I need you to hear this before someone gets hurt.
The THC espresso martini, specifically Mary's M Train Double Espresso Martini with 8mg THC, is what this drink was always supposed to be. I will prove it. Sit down.
The Dessert Problem: A Full Accounting of What Went Wrong
Somebody, somewhere, at some point in the last decade, decided the espresso martini was a dessert. I do not know who this person is. I would like to have a word with them. Not a long word. A short word. Several short words, delivered calmly, in the parking lot.
You know what I am talking about. You have seen it. Little chocolate shavings on top, like the drink committed a crime and the garnish is the sentence. Three coffee beans arranged in a triangle, which is apparently a whole thing that people do now. A sugar rim. A SUGAR RIM. On an espresso martini. The drink already has espresso in it. It is already bold and caffeinated and purposeful. It does not need your help. It did not ask for your help. You are not helping.
Then there is the foam. Bar after bar, presenting you with a glass of what appears to be a very serious latte that got dressed up for a night out and forgot to commit. The foam collapses before you take the second sip. You are paying forty-two dollars for structural instability. I have run the numbers. I have very bad news about the margins.
And the size. Why is it tiny? I ordered a cocktail. I received a thimble. I am an adult with adult-sized hands and adult-sized opinions, and I am being handed something I could lose in a coat pocket. This is not a cocktail. This is a proposal for a cocktail. Get back to me when it is a finished document.
The espresso martini is not a dessert. It is not a garnish delivery system. It is not a foam-related science experiment. It is a drink. It is bold, it is direct, it goes down with purpose, and it treats the person drinking it like they have somewhere to be and a reason to be there. That is the entire concept. They complicated the entire concept.
Mary Got It Right. I Will Not Be Expanding on That Sentence.
Mary's M Train Double Espresso Martini is what happens when someone understands the assignment. Rich, bold, double espresso, and it does not apologize for any of that. No shavings. No triangle of beans. No foam situation. No sugar rim sending mixed messages about what kind of drink this is.
It is 8mg of hemp-derived THC, nano-emulsified so it actually hits on a reasonable timeline and not three hours later when you are already in a cab wondering why you feel strange. I wrote about the nano-emulsification in our Lab Notes, and I would encourage you to read it because I explained it very well and nobody has thanked me yet. The short version: it hits like a cocktail, not like a mystery. You are in control. You know what you are drinking. You know when it is working. This is how it should be.
The terpene blend in that can is doing real work. Linalool, Beta-Caryophyllene, Citronellol. These are not words I am using to sound interesting. These are the specific botanical terpenes chosen to take the edge off without flattening the room, to make you social and present and, frankly, funnier than you probably deserve to be. The espresso is doing the focus. The 8mg is doing the loosening. Between the two of them you are having a better night than anyone else at that bar, and you did not have to pay for foam.
It comes in a slim 8.4oz can. No alcohol. No regret. No situation at eleven-thirty where you are reevaluating every decision you made after the second round. Mary's M Train Double Espresso Martini is the adult version of the espresso martini that every restaurant in this country tried to turn into a dessert and failed.
You can get a 4-pack of Mary's M Train Double Espresso Martini right now. I suggest you do that before someone puts coffee shavings on something else and we all have to have another conversation about it.
A Note on the Alternatives, Since You Are Apparently Browsing
While I have your attention: if espresso is not your thing, fine. I will not hold it against you. Lou has Lou's Damn Right I'm Old Fashioned, which is exactly what it sounds like and exactly what Lou is, which is stubborn and correct. Jane has Jane's Fancy Shmancy Pomegranate Cosmopolitan, which Jane insists is "an entrance," and Jane is, as usual, right about everything. I have Herb's Very Manly Peach Bellini, which is the only one with bubbles and the only one you will want twice, and I stand by that completely.
Or there is the Variety Pack, which is how you try all four without committing to an opinion before you have the information. I respect that approach. I am an accountant. I also gather data before drawing conclusions. Most of the time.
It Is in the Fridge
Mary's M Train Double Espresso Martini is in the fridge right now, if you want to try the experiment yourself. Eight milligrams. Double espresso. No foam. No geometry of coffee beans. No questions.
Mary says the adventure finds you after one sip. I say that is a little dramatic. Mary would say I have no poetry in my soul. She is probably right. She usually is.
The drink is still correct. I audited it. The numbers check out.
- Must be 21+ to purchase.
- These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.