Lou's Official Notice That the Bar Just Charged You for the Bartender's Uniform
I have the receipt in front of me. I am looking at it right now. I have been looking at it for eleven minutes and my blood pressure has not improved.
Twenty-two dollars. One drink. One old fashioned. I did not ask for a ceremony. I did not ask for a story about the barrel the whiskey aged in or the emotional journey of the bitters. I asked for a drink. I got a drink and I got a bill that reads like a mortgage application, and somewhere in that bill is a line I cannot account for, which is the vest.
The bartender's vest. His own vest. He bought it at a market. He considers it a personality. I am apparently splitting the cost.
This is the THC cocktails post. I know because I was told it is the THC cocktails post. Fine. But before we get there, we are doing the audit. Sit down. I am not finished.
The Full Bar Bill, Annotated by Someone Who Has Had Enough
Twenty-two dollars for one drink. Let us see what that covers.
The ice: charged. Ice is frozen weather. Weather is free. I do not pay for rain when it is inconvenient, I do not pay for wind, and I am not paying for the sky's contribution to your glass. The ice goes on the house. It was always on the house. Somebody decided it wasn't, and that person should have to explain themselves publicly.
The garnish: an orange peel, expressed. He said "expressed" out loud, to my face, while I was standing there. Expressed. It is a peel from an orange. You squeezed it. You did not compose a symphony. You squeezed a peel. That costs me what, exactly? Where is the orange peel line item? It is buried in the twenty-two dollars, I know it is.
The ambiance: the music is too loud and it is a song I do not recognize and I did not ask for either of those things. There are Edison bulbs. Somebody is paying for the Edison bulbs. It is me. I am paying for Edison bulbs that make it impossible to read the menu, which is a chalkboard, which is also a choice I did not make.
The mixologist: he is a bartender. He makes drinks. He is very good at making drinks and I am not insulting his craft, I am insulting his title, which is a different thing entirely and I stand by the distinction. "Mixologist." Somebody decided that word needed to exist, and now it costs me extra.
The vest: as discussed. Purchased independently. Worn to work. Split among the customers. My share is factored into the twenty-two dollars whether I consented or not. I did not consent.
The Part Where I Tell You About the Fridge
I want you to understand that I am not against a good old fashioned. I have been drinking old fashioneds since before the bartender was born. I know what one tastes like. I know what one should cost. And I know that the price I am currently paying at the bar does not reflect the old fashioned. It reflects the vest, the ice philosophy, the chalkboard, the word "mixologist," and whatever is happening with those bulbs.
So I did what any reasonable person does when the market fails them. I fixed it myself.
Lou's Damn Right I'm Old Fashioned. Four-pack, $16.99. Eight milligrams of THC per can, no alcohol, and nobody in the room is wearing a vest he bought at a market and considering it a contribution to my experience. That is the whole pitch and it is a complete pitch and I do not need to add anything to it. The math does the talking. One bar old fashioned: twenty-two dollars, one drink, one vest, one Edison bulb moment I will never get back. Four cans of the good stuff: sixteen ninety-nine, from my own fridge, my own glass if I want it, my own ice which I got from the freezer for free because I am an adult who owns a refrigerator.
These are proper THC cocktails. They are not syrups. They are not approximations. They are made with the same ingredients and extracts bartenders use, which I know because I read the label and I read it carefully because I am thorough. The terpene blend is chosen specifically to loosen the room up, get people talking, get people laughing. That is the whole point of going to a bar in the first place, or it used to be before the bar decided to charge for the atmosphere it created by buying Edison bulbs in bulk.
Eight milligrams is the right number. Enough to take the edge off without putting you on the floor. Herb explained the dosing at length and in great detail in the espresso martini post, which I recommend if you enjoy listening to Herb explain things at length and in great detail, which I personally find exhausting but which is occasionally accurate. If you want that kind of background, go read it: Mary's M Train Double Espresso Martini is a good starting point for understanding how the whole operation works.
Or skip all of that and just pick up Lou's Damn Right I'm Old Fashioned and meet me at the conclusion on your own.
The Conclusion
I am not telling you to stop going to bars. Go to bars. Sit at a bar. Talk to people. That is one of the better things you can do with an evening, and I have written about that elsewhere and meant every word of it.
I am telling you to read the bill before you pay it. I am telling you to know what you are paying for. I am telling you that twenty-two dollars for one drink that contains two ounces of spirit and a peel from an orange and a cube of weather is a number that deserves scrutiny, and that scrutiny has found it wanting.
And I am telling you that the fridge is right there. Four cans. Sixteen ninety-nine. Eight milligrams each. A classic that does not need to be improved, does not need to be expressed at you, and does not arrive with a side of vest.
If you want to try the full lineup before committing, The Sample Can exists for exactly that reason. Or go straight to The Variety Pack and cover the whole cast in one order.
Either way, it's in the fridge right now. The ice is free. The music is whatever you want it to be. And nobody is charging you for personality.
Damn right.
Lou's Damn Right I'm Old Fashioned contains 8mg hemp-derived THC per can. For adults 21 and older only. Not available in all states. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Please consume responsibly.
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