Lou's Official Decree on the THC Old Fashioned and the People Who Won't Stop Talking About It
I ordered a THC old fashioned. A classic. Bourbon, bitters, orange, done. That is the entire recipe. It has been the entire recipe since before anyone working at that bar was born, and it will be the entire recipe long after whatever they called a "craft cocktail menu" is in a landfill where it belongs.
The bartender set it down in front of me and I want you to understand what I saw. There was smoke coming out of the glass. A smoked rosemary sprig was sticking out of it at a forty-five-degree angle like it was signaling for help. There was a dehydrated orange wheel on the rim. There was something that might have been activated charcoal involved. I did not ask for any of this. Nobody asked for any of this. Not one human being on this planet has ever sat down at a bar and said, "You know what this old fashioned needs? Smoke and a twig."
And then he charged me for it. Charged me. For his opinions. Opinions I did not solicit, did not want, and would have paid extra to avoid.
The Unsolicited Opinion Is the Real Crime Here
I have been around long enough to know that opinions are something you earn the right to deliver. I sold pipe for thirty years. You know how many times I told a customer what kind of pipe they actually wanted? Zero. Because they came in knowing what they wanted, and my job was to get it to them, not to express myself at them and then hand them a bill.
These bartenders, these "mixologists," they have decided that their job is to be heard. They have decided that every drink is a canvas and every customer is a captive audience. You sit down, you say five words, and suddenly some guy in a waxed mustache is explaining his "interpretation" of a classic while your wallet quietly empties.
I don't want your interpretation. I want the drink. Unchanged. The way it was. The way it has always been. That is the entire point of ordering a classic. If I wanted somebody's creative vision, I would go to a museum. I would not go to a place that charges eighteen dollars for ice and opinions.
The ice, by the way. A separate charge for a "hand-carved" cube. Hand-carved. Ice is frozen weather. Weather is free. I am not funding somebody's ice sculpting hobby. I am not doing it.
What Actually Happened Next
I left. I am not going to sit there and negotiate with the smoked rosemary. I came home, I opened the fridge, and I pulled out Lou's Damn Right I'm Old Fashioned, which is a THC old fashioned in a can, 8mg, and it tastes like an old fashioned because it is an old fashioned. Bitters, orange, oak. No smoke. No sprig. No dehydrated anything. No commentary. No explanation of what the bartender was "going for." It just works, the way the drink has always worked, because nobody touched it.
Eight milligrams of THC. Fast onset. Clean finish. I was sitting in my own chair, with my own drink, in complete silence, and nobody charged me for an opinion. It was the best bar experience I have had in years and I was not at a bar.
This is the THC old fashioned you wanted when you walked in there. This is the one without the performance.
A Brief List of Things That Do Not Belong in an Old Fashioned
- Smoke of any kind, from any source, for any reason
- Rosemary, thyme, or any plant that belongs in a soup
- A dehydrated citrus wheel (you have dried out the fruit, that is not garnish, that is damage)
- Activated charcoal (I looked this up, it is a thing people are doing, I am begging for it to stop)
- The bartender's name, followed by an explanation of where he trained
- A description of the barrel the bourbon came from, delivered without being asked
- Foam (no)
- A second opinion
The Ruling
Effective immediately, by the authority I have granted myself, which is total: an old fashioned is finished. It is not a starting point. It is not a conversation. It does not need your input, it does not need my input, and it especially does not need the input of a man who just got his bartending certification and has opinions about provenance.
The THC old fashioned in my fridge right now has no opinions. It has never had an opinion. It will never volunteer one. It will simply be an old fashioned, which is all I ever asked for in the first place.
If you want to try the experiment yourself, it is in the fridge right now. Or you can go back to the bar and see if the rosemary sprig has anything new to say. Your call. I know what I'm doing.
And if somewhere between the old fashioned and the rest of the night you want to branch out, I will note for the record that Mary's M Train Double Espresso Martini exists, also 8mg, and nobody put a garnish on it that belongs in a garden. You can also start with The Sample Can if you want to test the waters before committing, or grab the Variety Pack and let the whole cast make the case for themselves. They will not talk back.
Lou's Damn Right I'm Old Fashioned. Straight up, classic, and a little stubborn. Just like me. Damn right.
My watch stopped in 2009 and it still has better timing than anyone who garnishes an old fashioned with smoke.
These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. For adults 21+ only. Please drink responsibly and know the laws in your state.
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