Lou's Official Audit of Why You Are Paying for the Bartender's Training (And Why He Still Got It Wrong)
I have the receipt in front of me. I have been looking at it for three days. Fourteen dollars. One drink. One drink that arrived warm, was garnished with something I cannot identify to this day, and tasted like someone read the recipe out loud in a different room while making it. Fourteen dollars. I am going to need everybody to sit down because I have questions.
This is the thc cocktails bar alternative conversation nobody is having, and I am going to have it right now whether you are ready or not.
The Line Items Nobody Questions
Here is what you are actually paying for when you hand fourteen dollars to a man in an apron at a bar. You are paying for his training. His certification. The class he took. The weekend seminar in a hotel ballroom where somebody taught him to say "expression" instead of "brand" and "build" instead of "make." You are paying for his ice mold. You are paying for the Instagram account he used to document learning to hold a jigger. You are paying for his opinions about bitters, which he will share with you unrequested while your drink sits there getting warm.
You did not ask for any of this. You asked for a drink.
The drink came warm. I repeat: warm. I have been to forty-two states selling pipe and I have never, not once, handed a warm thing to a customer and then waited for a tip. That is not how transactions work. That is not how anything works.
The Garnish Situation
I need to discuss the garnish. I am going to describe it to you and you tell me what it is, because I have been asking around and nobody knows.
It was green. It was a sprig of something. It was leaning against the glass at an angle like it had an opinion. It smelled like the produce aisle at a grocery store that is trying too hard. It did not belong in the drink. It did not belong near the drink. It had no business being on the same bar top as the drink. I moved it to the side and the bartender, the trained professional I had just paid for, looked at me like I had removed a load-bearing wall.
I should tell you: that was an old fashioned. You do not garnish an old fashioned with a sprig of anything. You do not improve an old fashioned. You do not decorate it, enhance it, reimagine it, or give it a concept. You make it correctly and you put it in front of the person. That is the entire job. He has been trained for years and he put a plant in my drink and charged me fourteen dollars for the plant.
The Certification Problem
Bartenders now have certifications. Multiple certifications. There are courses. There are levels. There are advanced levels. There are people who have gone to other countries to learn about ice. I am not making this up. Ice. Frozen weather. Weather that falls from the sky for free. There is a man somewhere who flew to Japan to learn about it and came back and now charges you for it and calls it "craft."
I am not paying for the trip to Japan. I said that when I sat down. Nobody listened.
The certification produced a warm drink with an unidentified garnish. The market has spoken and the market is wrong, and I am here to correct it.
What a Drink Is Actually Supposed to Do
A drink is supposed to take the edge off. It is supposed to make the room a little warmer and the conversation a little easier and the night feel like it has some room in it. That is it. That is the whole job. It is not supposed to arrive with homework. It is not supposed to require a consultation. It is not supposed to come with a garnish I need to identify before I can relax.
I will tell you what does the job: Lou's Damn Right I'm Old Fashioned. Eight milligrams of THC. Classic. Straight up. No sprig. No seminar. No man in an apron explaining what he learned about bitters. It is in a can, it is cold when I open it, and nobody charges me extra for the ice because there is no ice and I do not want ice, I want the drink. The drink that was supposed to arrive in the first place and did not because the bartender was busy being certified.
If you would rather have something with coffee in it, which is also a legitimate life choice and I will not hold it against you, there is Mary's M Train Double Espresso Martini. Also eight milligrams. Also cold. Also not fourteen dollars. Also does not come with a plant.
The Tipping Question
After the warm drink with the plant arrived, the man waited. He was waiting for me to tell him he did a good job. I have tipped bartenders my entire life. I believe in tipping. I believe in it the way I believe in paying for things that were done correctly. He made a warm drink and put a plant in it and then stood there waiting. The audacity. The professional confidence of a man whose drink arrived at the wrong temperature with unauthorized foliage, standing there waiting to be thanked.
I left a tip because I am not an animal. But I want it on the record that I left it under protest and I am auditing the whole arrangement right now.
The Thc Cocktails Bar Alternative Arithmetic
Let me do the math for you because apparently nobody else is going to.
- Bar old fashioned: fourteen dollars, warm, plant included, tip expected, parking not validated
- Lou's Damn Right I'm Old Fashioned: four pack, cold, eight milligrams THC, no plant, no tip, no man explaining his seminar to you, no unidentified garnish situation
That is the thc cocktails bar alternative calculation. It is not complicated. The can wins on every line item. I have reviewed the numbers from multiple angles over the course of three days and the conclusion does not change.
If you want to try the full range before committing, which is a reasonable position and I respect it, there is The Sample Can. Try it. Decide. Do the math yourself. I already did it and I am right but I understand you may want to verify.
A Note on the Bartender
I do not hate him personally. He is a person. He trained. He studied. He went to a class and paid attention and came out the other side believing in what he learned. That is admirable in the abstract. In the specific, the specific being the warm drink in front of me at fourteen dollars with the plant in it, it did not pan out. Sometimes the training and the outcome do not line up. I know this. I sold pipe for thirty years. I have seen certified professionals get it wrong in ways that certified training cannot explain. It happens. You move on.
He can still do better. The information is available. It is in a can. It is eight milligrams. It costs less than fourteen dollars. The garnish situation is completely resolved.
Closing Statement
The receipt is still on my desk. I look at it sometimes. It reminds me what we are doing here and why we are doing it and why somebody had to build this and put it in a can and make sure it arrived cold without a plant in it. The thc cocktails bar alternative is not a concept. It is a can. It is cold. It is correct. And it does not charge you for the weekend seminar.
If the full lineup sounds interesting, which it should, The Variety Pack has all four. Herb's Very Manly Peach Bellini, Mary's M Train Double Espresso Martini, Jane's Fancy Shmancy Pomegranate Cosmopolitan, and Lou's Damn Right I'm Old Fashioned. Eight milligrams each. No plants. I checked.
Mary asked me if I kept the receipt for sentimental reasons. I told her I kept it as evidence. She said "of what." I told her: of everything.
For adults 21 and older only. Hemp-derived THC. These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Please check your local and state laws regarding hemp-derived THC products before purchasing.
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